okay.
i am over it.
for now anyway.

had a really good talking session
with people and heard lots of great advice
and today i finally realised how crazily busy i am
so that's taking up all my mind right now.

in the past week, i've been out from 9am
to about 10pm rushing around doing things/ studying.
it's actually getting ridiculous.

i'm falling into that vicious cycle of stressing myself
and i'm getting more stressed by the minute
cause...

EXAMS ARE IN EXACTLY THREE WEEKS TIME!!!

aaaah!!

and seriously, these are not exams to be trifled with.
i do well in exams, yes, but this is a whole new story
and i really don't think i can take it this time.

):

my head is going to explode.

it's 9.20pm and i'm so ridiculously tired
i'm actually going to bed.
make it up by waking extra early tomorrow!

actually, scratch that.

there has been something that's been bothering
me forawhile now, and i'd like to just let it out
because i heard it's therapeutic to write.

so another friend/acquaintance gets engaged.

this year alone, i've heard news about like
5-6 friends/acquaintances/people i know of
get engaged and it's really getting ridiculous.

don't get me wrong, i LOVE LOVE LOVE weddings
and i love the idea of early marriages and
finding The One at 20 and spending an entire
lifetime together in happily wedded bliss.
(especially if it's a godly relationship!)

but i really have to admit,
everytime i hear such great news like that
a little part of me goes 'why not me?!'

am i that undesirable?!

which is a terrible attitude, i know ):

but let's be honest, i am a girl.
and i'm also in my twenties,
(which medically- i'm at the prime of life! fertility wise.)
and i also am in love with the idea of love.

and i've talked to my dad about this
and he thinks there's a problem with the
Tan sisters cause we seem like we're
dying to get hitched- his exact words!

sometimes it just feels like it's never going to happen.
and i'm being really honest here,
sometimes i watch TV documentaries and they show
really horrible nasty people and THEY all have
boyfriends/life partners/ husbands as well.
which makes me assess myself and think:
well why doesn't it happen to me?!!

maybe God is preparing me for something better,
but naturally, i'm a very impatient person.

and whenever i talk to people about this
they always reply with the verse that Paul writes,
saying that God will only plan a life of singlehood
for those who can take it and have no desire to marry-
which kinds reassures me a bit cause
i definitely have a desire to marry
(and have lots of kids, i'll touch on this later!).

but then again, maybe the
best way I can glorify God is by being single?
maybe I can do most and actually
be a better witness by remaining a Miss?

or maybe i'm thinking too much?
(daddy, i KNOW what you're thinking okay!)

i guess i'm just having a LOT of internal struggle
and this issue is really one of the bigger ones.

i was just rewatching the last bit of
Sense+Sensibility just now where the main guy
tells the main girl that he wants to marry her
and she's just SO happy and they
show their married life where he's chasing chickens
and she's just in perfect total wedded bliss.

i want that!

yes, i know this is totally against my pact
(to spend so much time thinking about relationships)
but it's just so intrinsic in me and i just....

i guess i'm just really frustrated that i seem
to always to be person whose single
the person whose alone and i feel like
the toy that no kid wants to buy,
just sitting on that shelf gathering dust
while other newer and shinier toys are
edging it out into the dark corners of the shelf.

do you get my analogy?

i guess it's just always been a touchy issue for me
and it seems so easy for everyone else but me.

i feel like i'm going to end up like a talentless SusanBoyle.
):

and i don't WANT to feel this way!
i want to be confident and know that i don't need this!
i want to feel like im ABOVE these feelings and i'm my own person!
but i just get caught up again and again everytime
someone tells me of their great news and of course i feel
so incredibly happy for them but it's just that
sinking feeling i get after that really gets me.


so, to youknowwhoyouare,
i know you're really cut up right now about r'ships
and about Him right now but i hope you see that
it's so much better than what i feel.
(is it better to have love and lost
than to have not loved at all?)

goodnight.

my Easter Break is over!
yay.

three weeks of being idle and having
the thought of horrible horrible exits
looming over my head is too much.

and thank goodness, it ended with a great
3 days away in the Mournes with the CU committee
planning our year ahead and just being
free from technology and the other unnecessary
things crowding my everyday life.

and boy, were they three crazy days with
a sudden swelling of my eye (my vision was blocked for a bit)
and jumping into the door ):

i am so excited for CU next year!

anyways another 4 weeks until exams
and then SUMMER FREEDOM!
it's quite scary to think that its only such
a short time until the crazy summer but
so much studying and working to do in between ):
it's going to be a very intense month
with crazy revision but it's going to be worth it
knowing that i passed and don't have to
cut my trip short to repeat them.
bleh.

so i'm compiling a list of books i am going to bring
to Nepal- does anyone have any great books to read?
(:

So I joined Twitter-
maybe I'm just a bit too connected?
facebook+twitter+blogger
= too much time on my hands!

anyways yeah it is incredibly stalker friendly!
thank goodness it wasn't around when
TheTen were active in college, cause that would've
gotten waaay out of hand!

so yes.
updates.

on Nepal- 50 pounds to go!
but thinking of vaccinations (so i'll be alive to return!)
and that would stretch it another 120 pounds
which i guess isn't too bad but i really don't
have anymore time to work+ balance studying!
bleh.

on Christmas- i'm looking at flights to come home.
cause I want to celebrate Christmas and my 21st at home,
(eating beef noodles+charkueyteow+sushi etc etc
for my birthday dinner of course!)
and also cause i really don't know whens the next time
i'm going home again ):

the problem: $$$.
as usual. it's going to be about 800 pounds for flights home
but i don't think i can earn that money by then
and also, should i keep that money for my summer?
(i'm thinking Doulos currently cause it's
going to be their last year but we'll see!)

but of course, home >>>> summer.
i don't know, money is always a big issue.
i've learnt that the hard way ):

on current life- one more week of easter break!
which means.. 5 more weeks til exam starts.

i'm really oscillating between superstressed mode
and 'blah i can't be bothered!' mode so
i'm really not getting much work done.

and it doesnt help that it's so beautifully sunny
(but disgustingly hot, i hate the heat!)
and the whole neighbourhood seems to be having
parties all the time with screaming children
and obnoxious techno music (not the nice TechnoFriday type!)
which somehow puts me in a drowsy mood
and poof!
that's an afternoon gone.

i'm really ranting here cause i haven't
had anyone to talk to in the past 3 days so
i think i'm getting a bit crazy.

okay 7.30pm.
time for some more immunology.
yuck.

this is frustrating.

i need a break from studying!
getting very unproductive even though
i've been doing nothing but sit at home
in pajamas studying and eating all day.

yeah.
at least i'll be fat and smart (:

i'm doing an essay at the moment
which is really frying my brain.

it's about the ethical issues of IVF treatment
and frankly, it's advanced to quite a weird level.

thought of the day:

people are choosing embryos who are genetically
compatible so that they can grow up to be
organ donors to their very sick older sibling.

isn't that weird?!

i dont know how i would feel about that
if i was that child, growing up knowing
that you were chosen to be a substitute.
that's quite crushing ):

bleh i've eaten so much raisins and cheerios today
my tongue feels like it's going into diabetic shock!

teethbrushing time!

Wahey!

after having a major freakout moment
this morning while talking to my dad about
budgeting for the summer,
i got more great financial support news!!

i am so so blessed,
i hope i can get paid a bit more
so that the money can go towards to school
instead of my expenses.
because I really don't deserve it!

but yeah it's SO awesome what
God has been doing but on another note,
i hate the fact that i doubt so much.
blergh!
need to definitely work on this.

anyway, was in Dublin past weekend for a
leadership conference and it was beautiful.
but so empty ):
apparently it's due to the terrible economy.

and the same is happening in US,
and it really saddens me to hear that camp
can't hire as many people this summer also
because of the lousy economy.

I guess I've been hearing all these news about
how people are being laid off and companies
and shutting down, but I've never really experienced
anything remotely close to this so
the reality of how harsh things are for so many people
is really a rude awakening ):

I wonder how my perspective on money and stuff
will change after i spend 10 weeks in poverty?

So here's my big news.

it's been a weird couple of days.
got into a really awkward moment with
Adam on Monday which led to us not talking
whole of Tuesday- and it really was the weirdest thing ever,
cause we talk pretty much ALL the time
and the house was incredibly tense.
but thankfully everything was resolved today
and i'm on good terms with all my friends again.
yay.

but yeah remember i was talking about
my big news few posts back?

well here it is, cause it got made official today.

I'm going to be the SocialActionCoordinator
for Christian Union next year!

what that means is that I'm going to
be creating opportunities for the CU body
to go out and help the poor/needy/homeless,
which I'm really passionate about.

I realise that I've changed so much,
before Belfast I've always thought of doing socialactiony
stuff but never really bothered enough to do it,
but since coming here I've been really fired up
and this is going to be awesome cause
it means that I can actually plan and do stuff!
(:

yay.

So I've decided I'm not going to be wasting this
golden opportunity and dedicate this next year
towards doing as much as possible
(of course medicine comes top)
and stop wasting my time doing/thinking unnecessary things!
seriously- i've spent too much time being
idle and letting unimportant things distract me.
):


big news #2- my best girlfriend in Belfast
is moving in with me next year!!
(: (: (:
sarinah's going to be moving in as matthew moves out.
I'm really excited for her to move in,
but also quite sad that matthew has to go.
but seriously- it's going to be awesome.

all throughout last year when matthew mentioned
that he may be moving out, the only person
I would've wanted to move in was her
but it was always quite impossible
but it's actually happening!! (:

she's the only white person i know
who has her own rice cooker and calls
capsicums 'capsicums' cause everyone else
here calls them peppers (which they are clearly not).

the funny thing is, her mum was a missionary
in Indonesia for the longest time so their family
is quite Asiany and she seems to think
that sarinah will be able to pick up loads of
Asian cooking skills from me
and that's just a joke (:

cause I am pretty clueless!

but yeah exciting stuff for next year!
it's going to be busy but ohsogood.

so yeah btw i have to get vaccinations for Nepal
and they're going to cost at least 150pounds.
seriously.
): maybe i should just risk getting rabies?

does anyone know how high the incidence of getting
rabies is in Kathmandu??
blergh.

okay shower time.