actually, scratch that.

there has been something that's been bothering
me forawhile now, and i'd like to just let it out
because i heard it's therapeutic to write.

so another friend/acquaintance gets engaged.

this year alone, i've heard news about like
5-6 friends/acquaintances/people i know of
get engaged and it's really getting ridiculous.

don't get me wrong, i LOVE LOVE LOVE weddings
and i love the idea of early marriages and
finding The One at 20 and spending an entire
lifetime together in happily wedded bliss.
(especially if it's a godly relationship!)

but i really have to admit,
everytime i hear such great news like that
a little part of me goes 'why not me?!'

am i that undesirable?!

which is a terrible attitude, i know ):

but let's be honest, i am a girl.
and i'm also in my twenties,
(which medically- i'm at the prime of life! fertility wise.)
and i also am in love with the idea of love.

and i've talked to my dad about this
and he thinks there's a problem with the
Tan sisters cause we seem like we're
dying to get hitched- his exact words!

sometimes it just feels like it's never going to happen.
and i'm being really honest here,
sometimes i watch TV documentaries and they show
really horrible nasty people and THEY all have
boyfriends/life partners/ husbands as well.
which makes me assess myself and think:
well why doesn't it happen to me?!!

maybe God is preparing me for something better,
but naturally, i'm a very impatient person.

and whenever i talk to people about this
they always reply with the verse that Paul writes,
saying that God will only plan a life of singlehood
for those who can take it and have no desire to marry-
which kinds reassures me a bit cause
i definitely have a desire to marry
(and have lots of kids, i'll touch on this later!).

but then again, maybe the
best way I can glorify God is by being single?
maybe I can do most and actually
be a better witness by remaining a Miss?

or maybe i'm thinking too much?
(daddy, i KNOW what you're thinking okay!)

i guess i'm just having a LOT of internal struggle
and this issue is really one of the bigger ones.

i was just rewatching the last bit of
Sense+Sensibility just now where the main guy
tells the main girl that he wants to marry her
and she's just SO happy and they
show their married life where he's chasing chickens
and she's just in perfect total wedded bliss.

i want that!

yes, i know this is totally against my pact
(to spend so much time thinking about relationships)
but it's just so intrinsic in me and i just....

i guess i'm just really frustrated that i seem
to always to be person whose single
the person whose alone and i feel like
the toy that no kid wants to buy,
just sitting on that shelf gathering dust
while other newer and shinier toys are
edging it out into the dark corners of the shelf.

do you get my analogy?

i guess it's just always been a touchy issue for me
and it seems so easy for everyone else but me.

i feel like i'm going to end up like a talentless SusanBoyle.
):

and i don't WANT to feel this way!
i want to be confident and know that i don't need this!
i want to feel like im ABOVE these feelings and i'm my own person!
but i just get caught up again and again everytime
someone tells me of their great news and of course i feel
so incredibly happy for them but it's just that
sinking feeling i get after that really gets me.


so, to youknowwhoyouare,
i know you're really cut up right now about r'ships
and about Him right now but i hope you see that
it's so much better than what i feel.
(is it better to have love and lost
than to have not loved at all?)

goodnight.