i can't believe i'm leaving all this in 5 months' time.
:(

so much for aftertrials celebrations.
here i am, with absolutely nothing to do
nursing a sorethroat and burning eyes.

here are some straightfromtheheart talk.
doesn't get much more truthful than this.

**this week has been a weird week.
stuff people say has really hit home
and i realise that i am

kiasu
proud
high maintenance
too competitive
arrogant
too sensitive
unable to accept criticism

i know you're going to see me weirdly after this
but oh well. better now than later.

i don't want to ask for help in studies
because i see it as a sign of weakness.
when i hear classmates telling me the hours they study
i go home and double mine to beat theirs.
i don't ask people 'eh, how to do this ah?'
(except for the really closest ones)
because i dont want to admit that im stupider.
i work so hard, but it's not for me.
it's for the amazing feeling i get when
i feel that i'm the top of the pack.

this is what 11 years in a chinese school has done to me.


** you know the comments you make about
my weight/size/looks?
yeah i really take it to heart.
i'm reaaaally sensitive about it
and it may all be a joke to you

but i go home and cry after that.
ironically, its the Saturday nights when i cry the most.
so please shut up,
youknowwhoyouallare.

make fun of anything else, it's okay.
and for the record, i may smile and all,
but know that inside i really dont like you.

**i'm thinking about not going to YF anymore.
i dont know, its just the combination of
feeling old/obsolete, being left out of everything,
and so much more.
i mean, i'm still going to be in church and all,
but for YF?

arrrrgh.

so there it is.
the insecure girl with very low self esteem has spoken.
:)